How to Support Bereaved Parents: A Guide for Friends and Family

If someone you love or care about has experienced a devastating loss such as the loss of a baby or child, often family, friends and colleagues want to offer support but may feel unsure about the best way to do so. You may feel worried about what to say or of saying the wrong thing and causing further distress. You may also be grieving yourself whilst trying your best to support others. 

The grieving process is very individual, and we should recognise that what may feel helpful to some could prove difficult for others. This article is not designed as a prescriptive guide however, having worked as a Midwife and more recently working within bereavement support, I have had the privilege of listening to what bereaved families have to say and I would like to share some thoughts with you. 

Acknowledging their loss

In society, people often shy away from having difficult, emotive conversations around grief and bereavement. The loss of a child or baby is so unimaginably distressing and additionally shakes our own sense of safety. However, acknowledging a bereaved parent’s baby or child is so important.

As we know baby and child loss comes in many forms, whether it be through miscarriage, stillbirth or death in infancy to name but a few. 

When a baby or child dies, spending time with them can form a significant and personal part of the grieving process both for parents and other family members. It is important to remember for your loved one that this can allow them to acknowledge their loss and begin to process what has happened. It can provide time to say goodbye and gives them the opportunity to bond and to perform instinctive, ‘normal’ acts of parenting for example, holding, bathing and dressing their baby. Caring for them with love – doing all the things you want to do and expect to do as a parent.

It may be that your loved one is offered a CuddleCot or CuddleBlanket to use within the hospital, hospice or home setting. Both the CuddleCot and CuddleBlanket are specialised cooling devices that provide parents and family members with the ‘Gift of Time’, time to spend with their baby or child, allowing them the opportunity to create precious and tangible memories. It can also provide the opportunity for siblings to hold and spend time with their brother or sister which can be a crucial part of forming their own memories and understanding the reality of their loss. 

When a baby or child dies, many families often like it when friends and family use their name and share memories their own memories about their baby or child. Saying their name acknowledges their existence, the significance of their life and can be a way to honour them. For many grieving parents hearing their child’s name is often a source of immense comfort and joy. Naturally, it may stir difficult emotions however the level of comfort often overrides this emotion and talking about them freely can help to keep their memory alive.  

Grief is individual

Grief is a complex journey, unique to the individual and everyone experiences and processes grief differently. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. 

Being respectful to the individual and understanding that for some people talking openly about their loss and revisiting the details of their bereavement many times, can be a helpful tool in managing loss. Disbelief is a very natural grief reaction and therefore revisiting the circumstances surrounding their loss, can help them to process traumatic events of what has happened. For others, they find it much more difficult to talk about.

Feelings around bereavement can be intense and difficult. By just being present to truly listen and provide a safe, non-judgemental space for people to speak openly, resisting the urge to offer advice unless asked is often most helpful. This approach is often the most appreciated by bereaved parents.

There is no timeline for grief, though society may try to convince us otherwise. Often families describe support being there initially around the time of the bereavement or funeral if there has been one, but they describe how support gradually falls away. Often the time after the funeral when life for those around them appears to return to normal is when support is valued the most. 

Only offer support that you feel you are able to give; you may also be grieving, and it is important to be kind to yourself and recognise your own boundaries of support. Offering practical support can be helpful, this may involve shopping, cooking or offering to care for other children. Often, bereaved parents will not always ask for help so consider suggesting ways which you can help, effectively taking the onus away from them.  

Offering long term support by checking in with bereaved parents’ months and years down the line is often appreciated and the ongoing effects of this on their grief should not be underestimated. Although bereaved parents will think about their baby or child daily, it can be helpful to reach out and remind them that their baby or child is in your thoughts, especially around special dates or anniversaries. Families often say it is comforting to know that others are thinking of them and their loved one and helps to acknowledge that grief is a long journey and something that parents adapt to live with.

Supporting a colleague after bereavement

As bereavement will sadly affect us all at various times during our life, fostering a supportive, understanding and kind working environment amongst colleagues can help people to be more open and comfortable when talking about grief which can only be a positive. At times our own discomfort around grief and bereavement may stop us from approaching colleagues, however, here are some suggestions for helping to support someone you care about at work. 

Again, be aware that what brings comfort to one individual may not be the right thing for another colleague. Some may want to return to the normality of work quickly and welcome the distraction, whilst others may need much longer off work to process their loss and may require some time to start to come to terms with their life moving forward; whatever works for that person should be respected. It can be unhelpful to suggest what you would do in that situation as everyone’s grieving process is completely individual. 

Providing flexibility to their working pattern or conditions can be a helpful strategy, this may be around working hours, leave or managing expectations regarding their duties at work. Simple things like working from home or turning off the camera for meetings can be appreciated whilst they navigate their loss.

Respecting privacy is important, you can do this by allowing them to share what they feel comfortable with to their colleagues in their own time. They may ask someone they trust to share information on their behalf. Creating a safe space or person for a colleague to go if they are ever feeling overwhelmed can be a welcomed suggestion too.

Support available 

Supporting others whilst you are grieving yourself can be challenging. You may be trying to navigate your own personal grief whilst trying to be there, providing support for someone else. Remember to be patient and kind to yourself, acknowledge your own loss and set healthy boundaries. This can help you feel better equipped to support others.

CuddleCot offer a ‘GriefChat’ service which is available to anyone affected by grief. ‘GriefChat’ counsellors are experienced in supporting bereaved people and will listen to your story, explore how grief is affecting you and help you to find any additional support you might need. 

GriefChat is a completely free service and is available from Monday-Friday 9am-9pm (except Bank Holidays) 

By clicking on the link below you can chat directly to a specially trained bereavement counsellor. 

cuddlecot.com/greiving

If you are needing support to navigate your own grief or wish to be more aware of resources available to help support someone you love or care about, please find below some helpful online resources. 

Child bereavement UK https://www.childbereavementuk.org 

Compassionate friends https://www.tcf.org.uk 

Cruse Bereavement Support https://www.cruse.org.uk 

Sands https://www.sands.org.uk 

SLOW – Surviving the loss of your world https://slowgroup.co.uk 

The Good Grief Trust https://www.thegoodgrieftrust.org.uk 

The Lullaby Trust https://www.lullabytrust.org.uk 

The Mariposa Trust https://www.mariposatrust.org 

Winstons Wish https://winstonswish.org