A Grandmother’s Love: Remembering Baby Mia and Navigating Loss
A gentle reminder that we offer free access to bereavement counsellor services at cuddlecot.com/grieving for anyone who has experienced loss, no matter who they are or how long ago the loss was.
Mia – A Grandmother’s Story
“What do you want to be called? We’re giving you first choice.” Huge smiles on their faces. That’s how my son and daughter in law told me I was going to be a grandmother.
I gazed at the scan pictures in awe – this new little person – my grandchild. My granddaughter. I went to antenatal appointments and heard her heartbeat. I laughed when her hiccups made her mummy’s tummy jump. I felt her kicking and moving. I started saving for outings with her.
She showed no sign of arriving early. Her due date passed, then more days. Mummy had been uncomfortable for several days and had called hospital several times. They went in for checks, then they were sent home again. Mummy was vomiting a lot and couldn’t keep anything down. I was rubbing her back and helping her to breathe through her pain. I sent them back to hospital with the promise that I would be with them as soon as they called.
There was no call that evening. I was waking up checking WhatsApp to check when they were last active. 2:45am. I thought my granddaughter was either being born or had arrived and they were exhausted.
I messaged them before I set off for work next morning. My son called and said they were being moved to another ward. Half an hour later he phoned in tears saying that she had been rushed to theatre and he feared he would loose them both. I left work immediately to go to hospital. Halfway there my son called to say my daughter in law was still in theatre but they couldn’t tell him anything about the baby. A few minutes later he called again to say that Mia didn’t make it.
My heart broke for him and my daughter in law and for Mia too. All the hopes and dreams for our little princess would never come to fruition.
I begged God to take my breath and my heartbeat and give it to Mia, to give her back to her mummy and daddy. I wanted to take away the unimaginable pain my son and daughter in law would suffer at her loss.
I parked my car and rushed to support my son. My daughter in law’s parents arrived a few minutes later. We were taken to the bereavement suite while my son sat with my daughter in law as she came out of theatre. She had an emergency general anaesthetic so she didn’t know what had happened.
I recall three midwives sitting in the bereavement suite with us asking if they could get us anything, like tea. I said I wanted to know what had happened – what went wrong. The midwives left without another word. Another midwife arrived, she pointed to the door where my granddaughter was. I wanted to go to her so she wasn’t alone. That wasn’t allowed. Her parents must see her first.
It was a few hours later before my daughter in law was ready to see Mia. After they had some time alone, it was grandparents’ turn. Maternal grandparents first, then me. She was perfect, beautiful and looked like she was sleeping.
My son took photos of Mia while I held her. I promised her I would look after her mummy and daddy.
The wonderful midwife who looked after us all arranged for a volunteer photographer from Remember My Baby Charity to take photos of baby and parents. The midwife arranged for hand and foot casts, and took little hand footprints for us to keep. She held Mia while I took a little lock of her dark hair to go in the wonderful memory box we were given.
Memory making is so important. Those memories are all that we have of Mia now.
The midwife arranged for the hospital chaplain to do a naming and blessing ceremony the following day. It was emotional and beautiful. Another precious memory.
My son and daughter in law stayed in the bereavement suite with Mia for 3 nights. Thank goodness for the bereavement suite and cool cot. The gift of time is so precious.
The photographer was amazing she sent 4 photos to my son within hours of her visit. I had one of them printed on a canvas immediately, so that they had a photo of their little angel waiting for them at home.
The final goodbye at the hospital was so painful. Other parents were carrying their baby to their cars. My son and daughter in law left carrying only the bag of clothes Mia would never wear and their memory box.
I checked in on the two of them every day. They were broken. We all were. My daughter in law had the physical scars of an emergency c-section and milk coming in, all cruel remnants of her loss. My son spent all his energy and time caring for her and he put a lid on his own emotions. It was the way he coped at the time.
We had to arrange Mia’s funeral.
The funeral directors were amazing, the crematorium staff were amazing too. Nobody could take away the pain, but they were so kind.
Watching my son carry Mia into the crematorium in a small white coffin, his face contorted in anguish, my heart broke again. I had no way of being able to make it better. Nothing I could do would ease his pain.
When I hear the music chosen for Mia’s funeral it takes me back to seeing my son carry Mia’s coffin.
The post mortem report took many weeks to arrive. I went with them for the meeting about Mia’s post mortem results. The consultant told us the results revealed nothing wrong with Mia. The hospital internal investigation report and HSIB report would come later.
While waiting for the reports I couldn’t stop thinking about the amazing resources available to us- the bereavement suite, cold cot, photographer and all the memory making stuff, all from amazing charities. I wondered whether all hospitals have access to all available resources. I set about asking questions.
Over the years I have found out that many charities are started by bereaved parents, so they are not widely known. I support those small charities if I can. So much love goes into getting the little charities off the ground.
When we got the HSIB report. It was heartbreaking. There were 18 recommendations for things that needed to be done to avoid another family experiencing similar loss.
Another whole series of emotions swamped us all. One of the emotions was anger that so many opportunities to prevent our loss were missed. I was angry at everyone involved.
I was even angry at parents looking at their phones while walking along with their kids. It felt so wrong that they had their kids and didn’t realise how precious they are.
I needed to do something. I sponsored a training session with one of the charities. We had a lunch and learn session at the hospital. Attendees included midwives, chaplains, A & E nurses who engaged with the discussion about how to talk with bereaved parents.
One of the midwives talked of her own daughter having an early loss and the cold words and phrases used by the nurses to tell her what to do when the remains of the baby she was expecting came out of her body. I felt so upset for her and devastated that others experiencing early loss would be treated that way.
Then I started to think about how midwives might feel when supporting bereaved families. Was it just all in a days work, or does it affect them too?
Over the course of the next year my rainbow grandson was born. That was a really anxious pregnancy. My first cuddle with him is a very precious memory. As he grew and developed I felt joy in having him and such sadness at not having Mia. I wondered whether her eyes were the same colour as his? Would she have smiled like him? Would her voice have been like his? It’s still the same now, all those milestones are bitter sweet. Anniversaries are so hard, especially the lead up.
As a mother I want to protect my son and daughter in law from the pain of Mia’s loss. As a grandmother I feel the loss of my granddaughter too.
My grandson knows about his sister and says that he is the rainbow Mia sent to us. Our wonderful rainbow after the storm.
We will always love Mia, our little angel. Of course, our rainbow is loved very much indeed.
I stayed in touch with the bereavement team. I was talking with one of the midwives on secondment when she discreetly told me of how her last shift at work went. She had gone from 7am to 11pm with no food, desperate for a wee, unable to leave a bereaved family. She was exhausted. After hearing her story I wanted to do something to help the midwives who look after the bereaved families.
Using the midwife’s story, with her approval, a little self care pack was created. Over 250 packs have been made. Each one includes the midwife’s story.
I have had several messages saying how the pack bought tears because the midwives felt seen and appreciated.
The midwife packs are intended to arrive without the midwives knowing where they came from, as if a fairy delivered them. It’s my way of letting Mia sprinkle some fairy dust.
If you are reading this thinking a self care pack for a midwife is a good idea, please make a pack or two, include whatever you think midwives would enjoy, add a little note and deliver to your local hospital. You will lift their spirits by doing so.
I think of Mia every day. I hope one day, when it is my turn to leave this life, I will find her in heaven and see for myself what a beautiful angel she is.
With love from Grandmother to an angel named Mia x
We are incredibly thankful to Mia’s grandmother for sharing her heartfelt story with us. Her strength and love as she navigates the loss of her granddaughter, while honouring Mia’s memory, is both moving and inspiring. It reminds us of the profound impact that time and memory-making have in the grieving process, and why we are so dedicated to supporting families with the gift of time through the CuddleCot.
A gentle reminder that we offer free access to bereavement counsellor services at cuddlecot.com/grieving for anyone who has experienced loss, no matter who they are or how long ago the loss was.
Support For Grandparents:
Petals Grandparents Facebook Group – A safe space for any grandparent who has experienced the loss of a pregnancy or baby in their family. Click here
Love Jasmine Coffee Morning – Liverpool
Our coffee mornings are open to bereaved parents, grandparents and older siblings and wider family members and give families a chance to meet in an informal setting.
Sands Facebook Support group for dads – “A community of bereaved men, including dads, grandparents, brothers, and, uncles all helping each other through pregnancy and baby loss.”
Lily Mae – Dads and Grandads WhatsApp Groups – “If you would like to be a part of our Dad’s and Grandad’s Whatsapp Group get in contact with Matt at Matt.whitehouse@lilymaefoundation.org to be added and become a part of our Support group!”
Football teams:
4Louis FC Football team – “this isn’t just any football club – it’s a place where Dads, Grandads, Uncles, Brothers who have lost a child come together to find support and solace.” beacon of Light, Sunderland UK
Sands Football team – Sands United is a unique way for bereaved men to come together through a shared love of sport, find a support network, and feel at ease talking about their grief when they’re ready.