Running with Percy

A Mother’s Journey of Grief, Love, and Remembrance

For Jennifer, running is more than just a physical challenge, it is a way to stay connected to her son, Percy. The Hardmoors 55, a grueling ultramarathon through the North York Moors, holds deep personal meaning. During her pregnancy, she would hike its trails, talking to Percy about the beauty of the world around them. Now, as she takes on this challenge in his memory, running has become a powerful act of remembrance, resilience, and love. In this interview, Jennifer shares how the Hardmoors community has embraced her, how she navigates grief, and how she hopes her journey inspires others to honour their babies in their own way.

What inspired you to take on the Hardmoors 55 challenge, and how does running help you in your journey of remembrance?

The Hardmoors 55 has always had a place in my heart; when I was pregnant with Percy, I would hike up Roseberry Topping and Captain Cooks Monument which are situated on the Hardmoors 55 route. I had vowed to show my Littlun a life of adventure and freedom, when walking the Cleveland Way I would chat to my growing Percy Bump and tell him how beautiful the countryside was and how one day he would see the views of East Cleveland for himself. The memories from my short time with Percy are from being outdoors together, I feel closest to Percy when I am hiking and running, I feel a sense of freedom and calmness when on the Cleveland Way, a moment to reflect, remember and cherish the memory of my Littlun. The Hardmoors 55 encompasses everything that I endure as a grieving parent, it has a tight cut off time, challenging terrain and ascent and a distance that will push me beyond my limits, running allows me to reconnect with what matters, and gives me space to talk freely about Percy and remember everything he has brought to my life. The Hardmoors community has offered me a place of solidarity where other runners have listened and chatted to me about Percy on training runs and races, I feel at home and safe with the Hardmoors community, that my grief is not only acknowledge but also accepted. 

• How has sharing your experience helped you and others who may be feeling alone in their grief?

Since the moment I knew Percy had died, I shared everything publicly through social media, very element of grief I posted about, I allowed myself to be transparent and vulnerable; I felt that as a grieving parent we were only allowed to share elements of our grief that were socially acceptable. I knew by being my inner most self that I was giving myself space to feel everything and work through every emotion I felt and hoped that I made one less person feel alone, and helped people feel normal about how they were grieving. My openness to expressing grief and sharing Percy’s story has allowed many parents to reach out to me, allowing freedom and space for them to feel validated. Grieving is an incredibly isolated feeling, I often feel even almost seven years on that I should be “over it” by now, but the truth is, my grief does not shrink, the loss of Percy is still as huge now as it was then, but my life grows around the grief, and I nurture and learn from the experience, accepting and acknowledging that the death of my child changed me and altered the direction that my life would take and that it is ok to feel sad for the life my Littlun was unable to live, and that my home is missing another pair of shoes, that I will miss every milestone I had imagined. 

• Where do you find support, and what has been most helpful to you on this journey?

I find support through others, I find being able to talk openly to other loss parents makes me feel less alone and it brings me joy to share Percy’s name and story, I feel his life is being honoured and that he matters. From the moment I found myself as a loss mum, the many charities available have supported me and given me tools to navigate a life of child loss. CuddleCot gave me precious hours with Percy after he was born, which removed the trauma from saying goodbye when I may not have been ready. Luna’s Fund offered me a family and purpose when I felt my life had none, I had no reason to wake up on a morning, no reason to look to the future as it had been stolen from me, being part of Luna’s Fund, running and spreading awareness allowed me focus and I was able to see the light through the fog, and know that every day was worth waking up for, every pound we raised, every share and like we received honoured Percy and our babies who were taken too soon. 

• What does it mean to you to be raising awareness for charities like Luna’s Fund, Sands, Tommy’s, 4Louis, and CuddleCot?

Raising awareness of charities has meant that other parents who may not have known about these charities have the opportunity to research and reach out, allowing them to feel a level of support and comfort required when navigating a world without your child. The public need to be made aware about the amazing work these charities do, those who have not lost children can learn and grow empathy, brining the topic of child loss to the forefront of people’s minds, allowing others to grow and learn how to best support someone, we all know someone whose baby has died, and I imagine we all wish we knew what to say and how to act. 

• Where do you find comfort and strength on the toughest days, both in training and in navigating life after loss?

I find comfort in Percy’s memory box, every now and again I will sit alone in my room and go through the items I carefully collected after his death, looking through our photos, reading the journal I kept when pregnant, holding his hand and foot casts, and his breast milk pendant. I look back at everything I did in the moments after he died and how I tried to help others, I donated Percy’s breast milk for several months, I remember the impact I made on the family who had Percy’s milk, and the amount of women who were inspired to donate their milk. I am forever proud of the legacy that Percy left, he has taught me how to love, he has taught me what matters in this world, love and grief go hand in hand, the copious amount of love I have for Percy is reflected in the suffocating grief I feel. The comfort comes from when people ask me his name, when people give me space to talk about Percy, and those who do not change the subject when I talk about his death, those who ask to see him, those who ask how much he weighed, what my memories are of him; I take comfort in the acknowledgment of both Percy’s life and death. 

• What message would you like to share with other bereaved parents who might be looking for ways to honour their baby’s memory?

No matter how you decide to honour your baby, if you honour your baby in privacy or in public, there is no right or wrong way, you need to do what feels right for you. Your baby is loved, cherished and remembered and it is ok to feel what ever you feel and honour in a way you feel appropriate. I shared everything, the details of Percy’s death, our breastfeeding journey, and how I feel now because I want to push the boundaries and say the things that people do not want to say, I want to be a voice for others and hopefully at least one person listens. Honour yourself and your baby, everything you are doing is enough. 

Jennifer’s journey is a testament to the power of remembrance, community, and finding solace in movement. Through running, she creates space to speak Percy’s name, to remember his presence, and to challenge the silence that often surrounds child loss. Her openness in sharing her grief has not only helped her heal but has also created a safe space for others to do the same. As she takes on the Hardmoors 55, she carries Percy with her every step of the way, his memory pushing her forward and giving her strength.

To learn more about the CuddleCot click here

To find resources for those experiencing loss click here

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