His Grief Matters Too

Listening to Bereaved Dads This Father’s Day

When a baby dies, the heartbreak is unimaginable. Understandably, much of the immediate care and attention surrounds the mother’s physical recovery and emotional wellbeing. Yet, as CuddleCot Bereavement Consultant Sian explains, “It is important to ensure bereaved dads feel supported after the death of their baby because their grief is just as real and valid as the mother’s, yet it is often overlooked.”

Too often, dads are left in the shadows. Internalising their pain, stepping into the role of ‘supporter,’ and suppressing their own grief in silence. This Father’s Day, we’re sharing the words of bereaved dads themselves. Their stories highlight what helped, what hurt, and what needs to change. Their voices matter, because their grief is real, and their experience deserves to be acknowledged.

“Becoming a bereaved father was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through and continue to go through each and every day. 

We put on brave faces for those around us, but inside there is always something missing.

Having the 4Louis suite at the Gateshead hospital made this unthinkable experience slightly more bearable, having that privacy to express our feelings when we needed to in a space we felt as comfortable as possible in, given the circumstance. 

The majority of the midwives who looked after us were fantastic, they made us feel like we had known them our whole lives and that they felt the same pain we did, before and after the birth of our daughter Rosie. 

Whoever was on call would often talk to me and check how I was doing, they knew this process didn’t just involve the mam, but the dad as well, and they made sure I felt a part of it and that I wasn’t isolated in any way, that my feelings and thoughts also mattered, because they did. 

We were a bit unsure of having interns/student midwives in with us, but there was this one young woman, whose name I can’t remember, but her mentor, Lynsey, had obviously taught her well. She showed the same level of compassion as Lynsey did and she took the opportunity to talk to me as we walked back from the reception desk one day. She could’ve easily stayed quiet for that 30 second walk, but she reached out and made any awkwardness that could’ve appeared, be non-existent and that I was made to feel as comfortable as possible. It’s the small compassionate moments like that, that will stay with me for the rest of my life” Aaron (Rosie’s Daddy)

What would have made the care you received better?

“A more human approach which I suppose is near impossible in that situation because what can you say or do with parents in the moment. However small things like offering tissues, tea, coffee, water etc just little things every now and then I think would have made it slightly better.” (Joe)

“Mums clearly need that extra care as they’ve suffered physically. I’m fully aware she would need more from the nurses, but it would be good to feel acknowledged, even if it was a private chat outside the room about how I was coping or feeling at that time. It would have been nice to be asked if there was anything I needed. I was there every moment to support my wife as she needed me, however for those occasional times when I stepped outside the room to take a moment, I needed them” (FC Vilomah Dad)

What things really matter to a bereaved dad?  

“TALKING! I cannot stress that enough. Talk. It’s so hard because the typical thought a man thinks is “be strong, don’t show emotion be the support everyone needs around you” which in one sense is true but if you bottle everything up it will not end well. 

There should be more support groups for bereaved dads, and we should be talking about it a lot more than we do” (Joe)

“Being understood and recognised just as much as the mother. You also lost a child, and I think it’s so easy to just concentrate on the mum” (Matt)

What type of care would you like to see for any bereaved dads in the future?

“Mums have the support of bereavement midwives, why don’t dads? No, we haven’t given birth or carried our babies but we are still suffering the same loss as mums. 

I would love to see midwives, chaplains, doctors or any medical professional taking down the dad’s contact number and getting in touch in the weeks and months that follow bereavement. For those of us who were lucky enough to meet our babies and then had to say goodbye, in the following days/weeks you are busy arranging funeral etc. After that, there is no contact at all. You are expected to “get on with life” when in reality, you are now living a completely different life and trying to navigate that is a ridiculously hard task.” (Joe)

“When I speak to other bereaved dads, I realise that the care and support out there for Dad’s has got better, however, many still feel whilst they are in hospital or during home visits, 99% of the questions are directed to the mum. It’s important for healthcare professionals to acknowledge the significance of our loss too. We are both parents, we’ve both suffered and what happens to our baby next must be a joint decision” (FC Vilomah Dad)

Take Home Message for Healthcare Professionals:

“It is important to ensure bereaved dads feel supported after the death of their baby because their grief is just as real and valid as the mother’s, yet it is often overlooked. While the focus is naturally placed on the mother’s physical and emotional recovery, fathers can be unintentionally sidelined. This can leave them feeling invisible, helpless, or unsure of how to express their grief. Many men internalise their pain, believing they must be strong for their partner, which can lead to unresolved grief, depression, or anxiety.

When dads are not acknowledged as grieving parents, they may not access the support they need, and this can affect their mental health, their relationships, and even how they process their  loss long-term. The pain of losing a child is profound, and without validation, dads can experience a deep sense of isolation and emotional disconnection.

Midwives are in a unique position to help break this silence. By taking the time to check in with bereaved fathers, even briefly, they show that his loss matters too. A simple question or moment of recognition can be powerful—it communicates that he is not alone and that his grief is worthy of attention and care. These conversations can encourage dads to open up, seek further support, or feel more included in the grieving and healing process. – Sian Ness

These powerful reflections remind us that bereaved fathers are not just bystanders to loss—they are parents living with heartbreak too. Small moments of compassion, simple check-ins, and meaningful inclusion in the grieving process can make a lasting impact. As Sian puts it, “Midwives are in a unique position to help break this silence… a simple question or moment of recognition can be powerful—it communicates that he is not alone.”

This Father’s Day, let’s not forget the dads. Let’s listen to them, support them, and ensure their grief is recognise, not just today, but always.

If you’ve experienced the loss of a baby or child and are looking for a way to find connection and support through sport, these teams can be a starting point. 

FC Vilomah: https://www.facebook.com/share/1FmZwYB9pF/?mibextid=wwXIfr

4LouisFC: https://www.facebook.com/share/16hADNVKUJ/?mibextid=wwXIfr

Sands United: https://www.sands.org.uk/sands-united

To find other types of support including online anonymous access to free grief counselling visit: cuddlecot.com/gireving